My musings from Friday that I’m just now managing to post:
At work this morning, one of the children asked if I was working this afternoon. I told her that I have Friday afternoons off to which she replied, “Oh that’s nice, you can relax at home”. Then she quickly added, “Will you be with your children?”. When I said I didn’t have children, this little first grader replied in a tone surprisingly full of empathy, “so you’ll be at home all alone”. And that is exactly what I’m doing this afternoon and I do feel quite alone knowing that my uterus is empty yet again. Our blood test today confirmed what my body has sadly been telling me for several days now. We will not be bringing home our bundle of joy this year. And after 7 transfers of 8 top grade and seemingly beautiful embryos (2 Day3 and 6 blastocysts) in a little over a year, I’m starting to wonder if that day will ever come. When I try to think about things logically, I know that we will find a way to become parents and share our life with a child, but it is terrifying thinking about how long this process has already taken (more than 3 years) and how much longer and more convoluted our road to becoming parents might be. I am unfortunately the type who always feels the need to have a plan B, C and D, so my mind is currently a tangle of hypotheticals including additional testing, treatments, adoption, and gestational carriers. I am grateful that we have options, but this long winding road without an end in sight engulfs me with worry and sadness.
On Wednesday afternoon I went out to our future house and village with my husband’s cousin and her toddler. We went for a little stroll in the village and her busy body toddler opened up immediate conversations with almost everyone we passed. I always find it magical how children are able to build bridges and bring people together. Moments like this make my longing for a growing family so much more painful and intense. We met a young father and his two little girls at the town “lavoir” (fountain). They were fetching water for their garden and my cousin’s toddler and one of the little girls started playing together. We chatted with the father briefly about how my husband and I would be moving to the village after renovating our house. This led to the inevitable and dreaded question,
“Do you have children?” and the heart-wrenching pang having to answer “no…not yet”. I am extremely excited and grateful for our house project, but the thought of how empty our house might feel without a little one to share it with and how isolating living in a small village might be, casts a shadow over it all.
I’m dreading the months ahead that will certainly be filled with medical visits and investigations instead of transfers and the possibility of pregnancy. My WTF appointment is scheduled for May 19th and I’m planning on seeing another infertility specialist in town for a second opinion at the end of May. We have two grade 4AA blastocysts waiting for use, but I don’t want to try again until we have a better idea of what we can do to help these little embryos stick around. A couple months ago the biologist suggested looking into possible issues with my endometrial receptivity considering how well our embryos do in the lab and how abysmally they have done in my uterus. We will probably attempt another MatriceLab endometrial biopsy to look into immunological issue. I had one in February, but unfortunately the lab didn’t have a large enough endometrial sample to complete the test. We’re also considering doing the Endometrial Receptivity Array (ERA), which looks at endometrial genomic markers for receptivity. It’s quite new and expensive and I’m not fully convinced by it, but we are willing to try just about anything at this point. I’m also hoping to have a 3-D ultrasound to look at my uterine blood flow and to try to figure out what else we can try to plump up my lining. While it would be nice to have some answers, all of these tests scare me a bit because they seem to be quite good at identifying problems, but not so good at finding solutions. If any of you have any advice, information or experiences that you think might be constructive, I’m all ears (or maybe eyes considering we’re in blog world).
As of tomorrow evening I’ll be on holiday for a little over a week. My big sister, brother-in-law, and 14-month-old niece are coming over from the States and we’re heading south to Corsica. My husband and I are both really excited about the visit and about being able to spend time with our little niece. The last time we saw her she was a tiny 2-month-old baby. I’m just hoping I’ll be able to be a good tata (aunt) and not let my sadness and feelings of loss cloud things over.