Encore, but hopefully not toujours negative

I’m feeling tired and unable to produce much quality writing at the moment. Our beta on Tuesday was negative yet again. The pain and emptiness of this journey are particularly poignant right now, but the years of unsuccessful cycles behind us have taught me that life will go on and that we will find the energy to keep plodding down this rocky path. I’ve been reflecting a fair bit recently on our journey to parenthood. I was surprised to discover that I don’t or maybe no longer harbor strong feelings of resentment nor regret for the road thus far traveled. While the journey has been long and trying, it has brought my husband and me closer together, has encouraged us to develop more constructive ways of communicating, has helped me put things in perspective, and has honed my capacity for empathy. That being said, I’m not sure how long my ability to view this process as constructive will persevere. I did say to my husband the other day that I feel like I’ve done enough learning and am ready to move on to learning through parenthood. Unfortunately, this is not my decision to make and I need to be able live and invest myself in the present while life’s intricacies play themselves out. We have one wee blastocyst waiting for us and will probably attempt another FET in December with a delayed transfer (P+7) as per the recommendations of the biopsy results. Until then, I’ll be here trying to live life and enjoy the little pleasures along the way.   I know there will be good days, bad days, and in-between days, but that will be true for the rest of my life regardless of the outcome of our journey to parenthood.

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9 thoughts on “Encore, but hopefully not toujours negative

  1. I’m so so sorry love. I was hoping for “no news good news”, but fearing the opposite.. I know what you mean about the learning, but also about having done enough learning. I’m glad you still have a wee blastocyst waiting for you. It doesn’t make up for all you’ve one through but it is a chance for the future.. sending a big big hug! xx

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  2. I hate negative betas and all you have been through 😦 But way to keep going. Just love this “I know there will be good days, bad days, and in-between days, but that will be true for the rest of my life regardless of the outcome of our journey to parenthood.” Obviously, for us, this is just the process we will have to go through to reach our goal….our dream of becoming parents. We will become parents..one way or another. but until then, you are right….gotta live life and enjoy the little pleasures along the way..xoxo

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  3. I’m really sorry to read this. I understand what you mean about learning through the journey, although I have to admit I’m beginning to really lose patience with it all. I’m glad you have your little frostie waiting for you. Lots of love xx

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    • We are putting a lot of hope into our little frostie. Between now and his/her arrival in my uterus I’m going to try to restock the patience stores and not be too much of an emotional wreck although this weekend has been a bit rough. Thinking of you and sending you lots of relaxing energy for the final haul. xoxo

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