I haven’t managed to muster up the energy to write on my blog for a while. A number of things have happened since my last post, but unfortunately pregnancy is not one of them.
In the days leading up to Christmas we found out that our FET#2 form IVF#2 was unsuccessful. We usually spend about a week with family around Christmas, but I am extremely thankful we decided we needed to plan time as a couple following our cycle regardless of the outcome. We spent Christmas Eve and Day with my in-laws. Christmas at my in-laws is usually all about the delicious meals, but they have come to understand how much the Christmassy extras mean to me. I love decorating Christmas trees and carrying on traditions from my childhood like Christmas crackers and luminaries (worth looking up if you’ve never seen them). This year, for the first time since I’ve celebrate Christmas with my in-laws, they got a cute little tree and really put a lot of effort into making the house feel cozy and Christmassy. It was very sweet and I greatly appreciated our time with them. However, I was thankful we were able to eclipse on the 26th for time as a couple. After Christmas we spent a week exploring Andalusia and discovering it’s lovely culture, historical heritage, and delicious tapas and wines. It was a wonderful trip, but also quite challenging as I dealt with the delayed downpour of post-cycle emotions. On Christmas Eve we went out to a charming little restaurant and during our meal the server handed us each a piece of paper, explaining that it was a tradition to write on one side of the paper something from the past year that we wanted to leave behind and something that we wished for the year to come on the other side. The papers were then to be put in the fireplace for the wishes/things to forget to be carried away. I had been pushing back a lot of emotions all week and as I wrote my wish and wishes to forget I had a bit of an emotional meltdown. The restaurant was tiny with closely spaced tables and I was thankful that I didn’t have to deal with explaining to any of the people around us why I had tears streaming down my face as the New Year chimed in. And luckily the Spanish tradition of shoving 12 grapes in your mouth, with the 12 gongs of the clock, helped draw some attention away from me. I was also thankful to be able to get things off my chest and finally externalize some of the feelings and emotions that had been pent up inside me.
When we got back home at the beginning of January, we had an appointment with the doctor I saw for a second opinion back in May at the big public hospital in town. He is quite the character. To start with, he has a piece of wall art in his office that is a stethoscope sculpted into ovaries and a uterus that looks very much like a smiley face (not sure if this is the intended effect). It’s kind of funny, but somewhat disconcerting. A bit like the doctor himself. The doctor or professor as he is called here, is extremely self assured, confident, borderline cocky, and composed. He made it clear that he was the doctor and I was the patient and dismissed most of my treatment ideas as not scientifically validated and not something he would encourage perusing (assisted hatching, vaginal Viagra and Tamoxifen for my thinish lining…). I think this would have really bothered me at the beginning of our IVF journey, and I can’t say I’m 100% comfortable with it now, but in a way I feel relieved. My last RE was forgetful and somewhat scatterbrained and was willing to try just about anything I asked about. I am grateful for this because it allowed me to explore many of the tests and treatments I felt necessary in order for me to feel like we had tried most options available to us. But I’m also relieved knowing that the Professor has extensive experience and that he will be in charge of this cycle and not me. It’s extremely difficult for me to let go, but I know deep down that it is the best thing for me right now. There is also another huge plus to working with him. I can easily get appointments before work and only have to wait 5 to 10 minutes past my scheduled appointment time as opposed to 1.5 to 2 hours with my last doctor. I have also been really impressed with the quality of care we have received from the embryologist and the anesthesiologists thus far. As we start this cycle I feel a mix of anticipation, hope, and anxiety. It is hard to believe we are already embarking on our third IVF.