Trying to keep anxiety at bay

We are well into our third IVF cycle and I’m trying extremely hard to remain zen.  We’re doing a long protocol for the first time and I’m currently on Synarel and Gonal F.  The Professor is not the chatty type and hasn’t shared a lot of details about what is happening in my ovaries and my body.  I’m trying to trust and adjust to this new way of working.  At my old clinic, my RE would hand me a piece of paper during my monitoring ultrasounds and ask me to write the size of each follicle for her as she measured them.  At the new hospital, the Professor does a quick ultrasound, measures a handful of follicles, quickly notes a few things on the computer, and has his secretary call me with instructions once my blood work comes back.  Wednesday’s ultrasound after 6 days of stims (100IU Gonal F) looked okay with about 8 follicles all measuring around 10mm.  On Wednesday I was told to reduce my Gonal F to 75IU.  Today’s ultrasound worried me as lots of follicles of varying sizes popped up, with the Professor measuring only a few of them.  I tried to glance at his computer and saw that he had marked a couple around 18mm and a couple around 15mm.  I did manage to get him to share that my E2 level was already over 1000 ng/L on Wednesday and that he anticipated retrieving 10-15 ovocytes.  The instructions from his secretary this afternoon were to continue on 75IU of Gonal F, to double my dose of Synarel, and to come back in for an ultrasound on Monday.  Not having any monitoring or bloods for three days this late in the game and knowing that I’m prone to skyrocketing E2 levels was stressing me out so I texted the Professor:

“Hello Professor S, I spoke with your secretary earlier.  I’m a bit worried about waiting three days to have an ultrasound/bloods this late in the stimulation phase.  I prefer writing you now with this concern in order to try to limit my stress levels over the weekend.”

He responded with:

“No problem, see you on Monday, Pr. S”

His answer actually made me laugh a little followed by a long grrrrrrrrrrrrr of frustration.  This was not exactly what I was hoping for in terms of reassurance.  I guess I’ll just have to deal with my stress this weekend and work on focusing on the positive.  The problem is, I’m not really sure how to do that right now.  I’m honestly feeling exhausted and defeated and like I just want to run away from everything.  These past two weeks have been excruciatingly tiring and stressful.  This IVF cycle like all past cycles is stressful, but we’ve also had to deal with buckets full of extremely stressful updates and screw-ups related to our house renovation/extension project.  We specifically hired an architect in order to minimize the stress of the project, but unfortunately working with him has created the opposite effect.  I know that we are lucky to even have a house project, but I’m terrified of it turning into a massive heap of problems.  And I really don’t want to have to deal with all of this right now on top of IVF.

I’m sorry for all of the complaining.  It always feels better to put things down on paper (or the screen).  I’m going to try to pull myself away from Dr. google and do something constructive.  It really frustrates me how much time I can waste while worrying.  Yoga for fertility and hypnotherapy here I come, please help me crawl out from this frustrating hole of worry and anxiety.

2 thoughts on “Trying to keep anxiety at bay

  1. I think I would have freaked out not knowing anything at the first ivf rounds. but like you towards the end I let go a bit and just followed doctor’s orders. Numerobis was pretty much the same not telling me much about the number and size of the follicles.
    but his response ‘no problem’ is just really funny. weird french humor funny..
    complain away lovely, that’s what blogs are for. and you are not going through easy times so you have all rights to!
    hope things are going well and that you feel a bit more relaxed now. xx


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