Fragile equilibrium and reconnecting

Shortly after writing my last update on our IVF #3 the foundations holding me up were seriously shaken. Our third IVF cycle and the ensuing months proved to be the most challenging life experience I have encountered. Over the past few months I have managed to find my way back to my normal, but know that infertility creates a fragile equilibrium.

While going through this difficult period, everything in my life was thrown into question, including the future of this blog. Over the first year of blogging, I met some wonderful women, some of whom I have been lucky enough to build friendships with outside of the blogging world. The vast majority of these women are now amazing moms to beautiful babies. Most of them had extremely complicated infertility stories and somehow things worked out for them. On the one hand, this provides me with hope and reassurance, but being one of the last women waiting on the platform (le quai) is lonely and despairing at times. I feel like I’ve been left in limbo, still needing the support and comfort of the infertility blogging world, while also feeling strangely disconnected due to the majority of my blogging friends moving on to new phases in their lives.

A blogging interaction this summer made me realize how closely my blogging behavior reflects who I am outside of the blogging world. I have always been someone who nurtures a handful of close friendships, rather than surrounded myself with many somewhat close friends. I find the infertility blogging world challenging, in that there are so many women with interesting and inspiring blogs and stories to try understand and to connect with. And that once meaningful connections are made, they often become dormant as women move on to life after infertility. Another aspect of blogging I find particularly challenging is that I feel much more comfortable expressing myself in English, but often feel closer to French bloggers, as their experiences with infertility feel closer to my reality. I’m a terribly slow writer in English, so you can imagine how inefficient I am when it comes to writing in French. Writing comments often becomes a painstaking process because it takes me so long to find the right words.  And then I worry about whether they will read the way I intended them, hoping they convey my empathy, but worrying that something else might be understood. I’m quite a good listener with my friends and those around me. Infertility has highlighted how much I value an open mind, a benevolent listening ear (reading eye), and a shoulder to lean on, and how little words or advice can do to console or comfort. I kind of wish there was a blog equivalent to simply listening and being present for someone. I guess the “like” star partially fulfills this function in that it shows others you are reading, present, and supportive without necessarily giving verbal/written feedback.

I definitely feel like I still want to be connected to the infertility blogging community and am so extremely thankful for the support fellow bloggers have provided over the past two years. My hope for now is to try to reconnect and find a healthy blogging space and balance.

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5 thoughts on “Fragile equilibrium and reconnecting

  1. I feel the same way about the little star 🙂 Not easy to find the words sometimes…
    The “Blogosphère” is most of time a source of comfort but it may also be painful to see the others get the stork while you stay behind…
    I like the way you write, and feel free to comment my blog in english (if you want to!!) 😉
    Bizzz ❤

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  2. I am so happy to Hear from you! I think That expressing émotions is quite hard. IVF vocabulary is wide. And in any situations writtings can be understood in so many different ways!!! If you mix all these things up with foreign languages…. OMG 😱
    I like the way you explain how weird are the feelings you experience when IVF friends reach their dream while you remain on the “quai” (I don’t remember the Word you used). This is so hard to explain, as is it hard to understand What we feel…
    As Kaliz said, feel Free to comment on my blog. I love the way you “see” our Tiny world….
    Hugs and kisses… Hoping you Will soon find the best balance….

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  3. I can relate to this post so much. The blog friends moving on and not feeling a part of a community I once felt so much a part of…I’m still here and I support you through it all. It’s hard for me to write too because I feel like everything that I write is negative….failed cycles, failed FET’s, failed lining, failed other options(looking into surrogacy)…it’s like, when are we going to get a break? Just one?? Take care of yourself and know there are others still struggling and one day things will be different…I just have to believe that to keep going…xoxo

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  4. This is a rich and intimate point of view you’re sharing here. I’ve often felt estranged in this small world as a “newcomer” witnessing some strong bonds and intimacy between “older members” (meaning sometimes a few months prior to me), and frightful to get too involved, feeling pain for some, true relief and joy, or envy and a distance which is not the person I am, used to be, wanna be. I once was ashamed I would fail, inspire pity as I would, and maybe will, go to Czech R. for egg donor. Those who are taking this path have erased any of those feelings, and many have been and are supportive and caring along the way. All in all the blogo gives me more (both regarding my “inner journey” and supportwise, the one I intend to give and receive) than it enhances my fragility, so you see, we may not be at the same stage but we share some concerns, notably finding balance. As Kalyz and Carotte, feel free to leave a star or a comment at my place, as I hope you’ll be around some more.

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  5. I have the same feelings regarding the blogging experience. There are wonderful women out there, going through the same struggles and some of them manage to get what we are all longing for… so yes, there is happiness on the one hand, but there is also some creepy feelings, the “what if…” I guess we will always find a supportive reading eye as you call it, so it’s ok to write slowly, to write in English – as long as we still find the support we need! And, yes, please, feel free to comment on my blog as weel, even in English. XOXO

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