Shortly after writing my last update on our IVF #3 the foundations holding me up were seriously shaken. Our third IVF cycle and the ensuing months proved to be the most challenging life experience I have encountered. Over the past few months I have managed to find my way back to my normal, but know that infertility creates a fragile equilibrium.
While going through this difficult period, everything in my life was thrown into question, including the future of this blog. Over the first year of blogging, I met some wonderful women, some of whom I have been lucky enough to build friendships with outside of the blogging world. The vast majority of these women are now amazing moms to beautiful babies. Most of them had extremely complicated infertility stories and somehow things worked out for them. On the one hand, this provides me with hope and reassurance, but being one of the last women waiting on the platform (le quai) is lonely and despairing at times. I feel like I’ve been left in limbo, still needing the support and comfort of the infertility blogging world, while also feeling strangely disconnected due to the majority of my blogging friends moving on to new phases in their lives.
A blogging interaction this summer made me realize how closely my blogging behavior reflects who I am outside of the blogging world. I have always been someone who nurtures a handful of close friendships, rather than surrounded myself with many somewhat close friends. I find the infertility blogging world challenging, in that there are so many women with interesting and inspiring blogs and stories to try understand and to connect with. And that once meaningful connections are made, they often become dormant as women move on to life after infertility. Another aspect of blogging I find particularly challenging is that I feel much more comfortable expressing myself in English, but often feel closer to French bloggers, as their experiences with infertility feel closer to my reality. I’m a terribly slow writer in English, so you can imagine how inefficient I am when it comes to writing in French. Writing comments often becomes a painstaking process because it takes me so long to find the right words. And then I worry about whether they will read the way I intended them, hoping they convey my empathy, but worrying that something else might be understood. I’m quite a good listener with my friends and those around me. Infertility has highlighted how much I value an open mind, a benevolent listening ear (reading eye), and a shoulder to lean on, and how little words or advice can do to console or comfort. I kind of wish there was a blog equivalent to simply listening and being present for someone. I guess the “like” star partially fulfills this function in that it shows others you are reading, present, and supportive without necessarily giving verbal/written feedback.
I definitely feel like I still want to be connected to the infertility blogging community and am so extremely thankful for the support fellow bloggers have provided over the past two years. My hope for now is to try to reconnect and find a healthy blogging space and balance.