That day

I have been trying very hard to prepare myself psychologically for the arrival of our friends’ baby.  Their pregnancy has caused me to wrestle with heaps of difficult emotions.  Their pregnancy announcement was by far one of the most painful events I have been faced with while on this infertility journey.  We were invited to our friend’s birthday on the last day of our summer vacation.  I wasn’t super motivated to go because my family was visiting and time with them is very important to me, especially with the distance (physical) that separates us.  I remember thinking it was a bit odd that our friend had only invited four of his friends (including us) and that the majority of the guest were his family members.  But he is a very family orient guy, so I just kind of brushed it off.  When we arrived the guests were gathered downstairs for appetizers and drinks.  People eventually started moving upstairs for the sit-down lunch.  As I went to sit down, I glanced down and my breath was knocked out of me as I read “a new addition to the family” on the ribbons wrapped around the napkins.  I forced my tears back and rushed downstairs to find my husband, my life vest.  I pull him outside as discretely as possible, I needed fresh air and space that our friends’ decision on how to announce their joyous news to us did not allow.  They had been together for less than a year and although I knew this day would come, I had no idea it would be this soon and announced in this way.  I tried to pull myself together as we headed upstairs for lunch.  My assigned spot at the table was directly across for our friends.  I have never had to fight back tears and emotions that fiercely.  I have never had to fight so hard to hold myself together.  On several occasions I rushed to the bathroom and turned on the water full flow to cover up my muffled sobs.  How could our friend who knew about our years of battling infertility put us in this position? How could they possibly think that this would be an appropriate way to make this announcement to close friends in the grips of infertility?  At the end of the meal they rang a big gong, yes a gong, and made the official announcement.  Cue another trip to the bathroom.  And then right after that our friend opened his birthday presents.  At one point just after opening the telescope his family had bought him, he said to someone “this is all so emotional” and I was left stunned when he followed up with “I’ve been waiting for a telescope for so long”.  WTF, you just announced to your family and friends that you’re having a baby and you’re emotional about a telescope.  My husband and I were finally able to graciously duck out just before dessert.  Tears started rolling down my face as we stepped outside and by the time we got to the car they had transformed in to full out sobs, lasting most of the way home.  It took me a long time to work through the hurt that was generate by how our friends chose to share their pregnancy with us.  A couple months later, I finally managed to muster up the energy to talk to them about how difficult their pregnancy announcement was for us.  I was dumbfounded when they told us that they had no idea it had been so hard for us and that they hadn’t noticed our reactions the day of the announcement.  They apologized and said they were sorry they had hurt us.  I genuinely appreciate and value their apology and their friendship.  And I keep trying to remind myself  that they were in their happy bubble and were just not able to think about anyone or anything else apart from their happiness, but it still hurts that our feelings were taken hostage and so completely overlooked by close friends who knew about the mountains we are climbing.  Talking to them has helped with the healing, but I have had to work very hard to let things go and to nurture my happiness for their pregnancy and to make room in my heart for this little baby.

Today as I opened the text message announcing the birth of their daughter, I was ready for the emotions, but I was not ready to read the one name we have been holding in our hearts for all these years, in the hope that someday we will be able to share it with our child.

10 thoughts on “That day

  1. Ton article m’a bouleversée. Cette annonce évidemment, mais surtout la conclusion. Je dois avouer que mon cauchemar serait que quelqu’un me “vole” nos prénoms. Avec nos BFF, on a pris les devants en leur annonçant notre choix pour un garçon et une fille. C’est une manière de réserver nos prénoms. Ils en ont tenu compte et je sais qu’ils le respecteront. Courage ma belle. J’espère du fond du coeur qu’un jour ton tour viendra… Bisous.


    • C’est quand même fou avec les milliers de nom qui existent qu’ils ont pu choisir notre nom qui n’est pas tellement courant. C’est chouette que tu as pu parler des noms avec tes BFF. J’espère que tu vas pouvoir les partager avec tes enfants dans un avenir très proche ! Tu penses que Martina et Pavel seront d’accord pour changer de nom 😉 ?


  2. It’s really a shame that they didn’t realize how much their announcement would hurt you! I guess they’d been overwhelmed about their pregnancy, yet, I find it a little bit harsh… I like to think that people -friends, do not always know how to “handle” us and they’re just doing their best :-/
    The name thing is just one more punch in the face, I hope they didn’t know it was your idea… I’d like to tell you that time will heal this, it will eventually, but it’ll always stay, hid in a corner (my bf kinda “stole” my announcement for their first, he’s 5 and I still think about it from time to time). Courage, life will get brighter!


    • We hadn’t talked to them about our name, so I don’t blame them in any way, but the pain was still definitely present. In the congratulatory message I sent to them I avoided using the name, but I’m trying to reconcile with reality and have made an effort to use it in messages since then.


  3. we’ve all been in that situation before, and I know I upseted a few people with the face I’ve made at the announcement… But having our names stollen hasn’t come up yet, so I can’t even imagine how heartbroken you must feel…
    I’ll share with you my new motto Everything will fine ok in the end, if it’s not ok, it’s not the end yet, I try to hold on to that thought…
    take care of yourself!


    • Thanks Grumpy. I’m not sure that everything will ever all be fine because life will always have its complications, but I’m working really hard to live in the present and appreciate what I have right here and now (even if sometimes this is easier said than done).


  4. Oh…my heart hurts for you. I have been there with a pregnancy announcement like that…and it is a lonely, gut wrenching, horrible feeling. Most people just do not get it….at all. The end of this post though kills me….the name. What an extra added blow. I am thinking of you and praying your baby is on their way….every day that goes by…you are closer. Lots of love to you. xoxo


    • You are definitely right, most people just do not get it. And even though my brain knows this, these situation are still so hard for my heart to understand. Thinking of you lots as you wait to see your baby/babies. Your journey brings me so much hope.


  5. Oh sweets, I feel for you. I still remember very vividly that type of sobbing. We went through something like this ourselves and it was painful. It hurts while also making you feel guilty and stupid for not being able to just feel happy. I’m glad you managed to talk to them about it and that it helped healing.
    For what regards the name, I can see how annoying that must be. But I hope you won’t change name because of it, and I hope you’ll get to use it soon. Big big hug! xx


    • I too am glad I was able to muster up the energy to talk to them about our feelings. For me it was an important step towards making a friendship, I didn’t want to lose, healthy again. One of my husbands first reactions after learning about the name, was that there is no reason we couldn’t still use it for our child. I know he is right, but it still takes a little magic away from it. In the end I know that the name issue will be insignificant if we are someday blessed with a child. It’s the waiting and uncertainty that accentuate and color these difficult feelings.

      Liked by 1 person

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