When it rains it pours

It has officially been three years since we first started actively trying for our little bundle of joy, almost two years since our first fertility workup, and a year since our first IVF cycle.  At times the wait has been excruciatingly painful and at others it has been a little bit more bearable.  Right now it’s quickly moving towards the excruciating end of the spectrum.  There have been a number of moments this week when I’ve had to fight back the tears in public or when I’ve burst out sobbing at home.

This week I saw my RE briefly to discuss our next fresh IVF cycle.  The conclusion was that we’ll have to wait until April to start.  I understand my RE’s reasoning and know that waiting is the best option, but it doesn’t make the wait any easier.  We are in the process of doing another series of tests to try to figure out why our beautiful and seemingly strong embryos aren’t implanting.  My husband’s sperm fragmentation/decondensation rates came back normal.  We were both relieved, but I think he was particularly relived to finally have some good news on his side.  I’m scheduled for a diagnostic hysteroscopy and an endometrial biopsy to look at my endometrial receptivity next week.  The biopsy results take around a month to come back, by which point it will be too late to start stimulations for a March retrieval and transfer.  But hopefully the results will tell us if there are any modifications we can make to increase the chances of implantation.

I was really hoping for a cycle in early March because I will be on vacation and would have been able to focus all of my energy on resting and relaxing after the transfer.  I had counted out the days of this hormone replacement biopsy cycle and was super excited to see that the timing would work out perfectly for a retrieval and transfer during my vacation time in March.  But I guess that would have made things too easy and infertility is never easy…sigh.

Last time around I took off the Monday for egg collection and the Thursday afternoon for the transfer because it was tricky to take more time off work. I have to literally run…and jump…and skip…and drive around all day for my job, which makes relaxing after transfers difficult.  This time I was hoping to have a full week of vacation to rest and relax after the transfer to give our little embryos the best possible shot at snuggling down and making themselves comfy.  I was also really hoping for a March transfer because I know that March is going to be a particularly difficult month.  In March I’ll be turning yet another year older on the same day that would have been the expected due date of our little embryo that gave us our first ever and only glimpse of a positive Beta.  Although when I try to think through things logically, I remind myself that a March transfer could also have resulted in a glaring negative during this difficult time.

I also nearly cried on Thursday during my appointment with the gynecologist who is going to perform my hysteroscopy and biopsy.  I really don’t want a general anesthesia for the intervention and he said pointblank that if I wanted him to do the hysteroscopy next week I didn’t have a choice.  My RE had sent me a letter last week saying she had talked to him and that I could chose to have sedation rather than general anesthesia.  I’m not exactly sure why I feel so nervous and strongly about the general anesthesia for this procedure.  I feel a bit crazy saying this, but I think a lot of it is related to the fact that I just have a bad feeling about it this time around.  And it doesn’t help being put in yet another situation where I’m not really given a choice about what happens to my body.  My husband tried to reassure me by saying that I’m most likely feeling this way about the anesthesia because I’m really stressed right now.  I know he’s probably right, but I can’t seem to push away the dread I feel.

My most recent near public crying incident and infertility slap in the face came yesterday morning at our weekly staff meeting.  Our director opened the meeting by saying our newest co-worker, hired less than three weeks ago, had an announcement to make.  Drum roll please…she is no more than 25, but surprise, surprise she’s three months pregnant.  My heart dropped and my eyes swelled with tears just waiting to pour out.  It took all the energy in me to keep them from overflowing.  Over the past three weeks I’ve been trying to get to know her better, which has been pretty one-sided and frustrating because she never asks questions back.  And with this news, I’m now pretty much sure all chances of friendship are out the window.  Not to mention the fact that I’m absolutely dreading having to watch here belly grow and being surrounded by all of the pregnancy related conversations to come in our very cramped open office space.  Up until now work has provided a good escape from IVF and a good environment to keep me mind off this fertility battle.  Come on universe, can’t you just give me a little break?

The weather is doing a good job of summing up my emotions today…gray and pouring down rain.  Sunny skies are predicted for tomorrow and I’m hoping a nice weekend with my love will help my emotions to move in a sunnier direction.